Me.heart.U

Sunday, July 15, 2007

a single, offday. (:

the older we are, the more estrange we are with people we had cared for. the people we thought will stay with us throughout our lives. and they do. best friends. families. but they've become invisible in our everyday lives. whether we see them everyday, or we never see them at all, you won't know you cared so much until something happened, or as cliche as it is, they're gone. the phrase,"someone has a place in my heart", feels almost literal as we get to experience it. it only sounded nice when we heard it when we were young. it did not sound as real as it can be. as of best friends, you never know you miss them, until you see them.

a book im reading, a career woman found herself being responsible of the kids of her young time best friend. because she'd died. and it had no emotional impact on her for days. it did not feel real. cause they simply grew too far apart after the school days. their pact, "always, where ever, whatever". she now recalled the young time memories that were so innocent and long gone. those silly things they did tgt. those naive remarks about the world. and how they made dreams tgt, only that her best friend never changed whereas she has created more practical dreams on the way. she had to will herself to let the tears fall, not that she did not care. but the feelings were gone. what does all this means? on the surface and to state the obvious, treasure the people in your life right now, this moment. but to look deeper, it means whatever that happens in the future don't matter. because if you feel it now, you might not feel the same tomorrow. love like you never loved before. because feelings elope you, we are all at the mercy of ourselves.

this morning, i dreamt that a fortune teller told me i will die on my 25th birthday. i freaked out, naturally. who wouldn't? i wanted to prevent it. i asked how will i die? he said heart attack. the thoughts that ran through my mind. it made me go through the experience of myself on the verge of death, without actually going through it. that's the beauty of dreams. like how i dreamt of how my dad passed away earlier this year....and i woke up crying. but anyways, i thought to myself, i think of myself in the 30s, 40s, 50s. how i wld be like. what i want to do. if im going to die at just 25, i will never ever live life like how i envisioned it to be. at 25, im still young and there just isn't enough time left. the truth is, we will never know if we're going to die the very next day. with many things left undone and unaccomplished. phew nonetheless, im lucky im alive and kicking. posting this.

i always believe who's wrong or right don't matter, it's what you want ultimately. because a person can't always be right. as to what's wrong or right, i go with my intuitions a lot. i listen to what i feel. if you can't beat it, join it. true right? we can't deceive ourselves. it'll just make ourselves more miserable in the long run. that's why i never regret my actions and decisions. big and important ones at least. maybe this belief is what makes me strong, or at least how i want myself to be. and maybe because of this, i get overbearing. i don't need everybody to understand this of me. just a few. when something feels wrong, i detect it like how a fish detects earthquake. can't name the wrongs in a list, but it'll just exist and bothers me consistently. i've said my piece. to whom? don't really care. i just need to clear out my thoughts.

on a happy note, i'm VERY looking forward to my genting trip with my whole family coming friday. it has been ages since we've all gone on a trip tgt. as a family. albeit it's only genting. to top it up, my dear girl avee will also be there with her family! 2 days later than me, but still better than nothing. i want, and i need to release some very cooped up emotions. i want to scream! and i can, on the rides. and it'll be cold. my fav. smiles.

i don't care if im gonna turn into some player bitch, do i?

updated at 4:58 PM.