Me.heart.U

Monday, May 15, 2006

honey bunny

i've just finished half a pkt of kellogg's frosties and my jaws ache slightly from the vigourous chewing.

i just love snacking.
esp. in the night when the cravings come.
yum. (:
watched 'honey' on HBO this afternoon.
i wonder how does it feels like to be named honey?
the show kinda rekindled my interest in dancing again.
my bestie asked me not long ago,
am i going to take up dancing in the university?
i said no.
she asked me why, this is our last school life we're gonna have,
thus last chance.
she knows i gave up the chance in secondary school, JC, and i am going to again.
why?

we need courage in whatever we do.
faith.belief.support maybe.
im always hampered by the fear of being not good enough.
maybe it's easy to say, just go for it, i've nothing to lose.
but disappointments are greater when we put in extra effort.
even in relationships.
we need to have the courage to be able to trust.
trust in others, trust in ownself.
trust that you can do your best, trust that feelings reciprocate.
certain things im able to persuade myself to go for it.
when i fail, i know it myself and thats all i have to lose.
but when im required to be viewed by people, judged and reviewed,
i have a fear which, even if i had had the courage to start out i will back out quickly,
having to go through difficulties at the beginning.
maybe it stems from the fact that i expect myself to be good.
which isn't true of course.

i've developed an attitude of optimism along the course of my life.
it is an irony, cause i used to wonder how optimism works.
how can anyone stay cheerful after experiencing setbacks.
it does makes one a happier person.
fill one with happier thoughts.
but maybe there should be times when im less optimistic and worry more.
maybe then i wouldn't settle with being less capable in life,
and taking the easier routes.

life isn't easy.
it really isn't.
as much as we want it to be.
after spending one-quarter of our life thinking what we want to do,
when we actually get to do it,
we realised somethings are lacking.
we need to satisfy ourselves.
and we don't even know what we will want until we get to the stage of being unsatisfied.
i found work quite soon after graduating from catholic junior college.
that was what i wanted.
i wanted to be committed and have something to pass my days by.
and money.
and then i missed my free days after sometime.
i found a reason to quit after 3 months.
keep my baby company before he enlist for NS.
now i've been keeping my days occupied,
doing everything i had wanted to do.
there are still things yet done,
like tidying my room from the notes left behind after A levels,
making it prettier,
having stayovers at girlfriends' houses and have those night time girls' talks,
going to a holiday resort along a beautiful beach with those clean blue waters we often see on tv,
pick up new skills that will always come in useful in life.
maybe learning another language, dancing(!), driving (registered after jc prom in my haste to have something to do but now have not even booked my basic theory test), learn how to fully use adobe photoshop, flash etc.
so much so much.
but im getting sick of not having any commitments.
maybe life is just all about balance eh?

for now,
i guess i'll just faithfully wait for the weekends,
meanwhile waiting for the darn uni letters anxiously,
and trying to figure out what is the next step for me.

updated at 7:30 PM.