Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy Now Year, because "new" has a future connotation to it and we live in the present. (: Today is 2012 new year's day, let me add on to his statement: Happy Now & New Year, here's wishing everything that will happen for the next 365 days will be new and sparkly, living life for the moment - now, and still see life through a baby's eyes - new, never losing appreciation for life.

I thought hard of what should my new year resolutions be. But I figured that I have to look back and see if I have accomplished my past year's resolutions before making new ones. Found my little notebook. Here was what I wrote (rephrased):

2010:

1) Finished sewing classes

2) Have $X in my bank account

3) Own a shopping site

4) Wear braces

5) added in may - quit my job in schroders and start website

Sadly, all I did was 2) and 5). Then 2011 came too soon.

2011:

1) Do lasik and braces

2) Work in ecommerce firm + study php

3) New skincare for anti-ageing

4) Own a website

updated at 6:28 PM.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I google searched my name and was thankful and relieved to see that my blog did not appear on the 1st 2 pages of google. Although I have made it public a while back cause I've nothing private that I will be ashamed of or want to hide anymore, but...

I'm in an internet marketing company. Where:

- I have 3 bosses whose age is the same as my brother's.

- On my first day I had to give them my msn and facebook.

- I attend training classes whereby my trainer talks about google search and how out of 10 internet users, 8 starts their session from a search engine. (and google takes up a huge pie of it, about 70%)

So can't blame me for being paranoid that any of my bosses would have already google searched me.. if they have.. Hi!! Rest assured I am still aware that anything published in the web is public and I will not hide behind the computer screen and have a false sense of security that my words will be hidden from the rest of the world... (although I have always felt so. and lesson #38.2312: if you are not visible, you are invisible on the web)

Decided to blog today cause, firstly, i reached home at 715 and i have been knocking off at 6. love it and not used to it. maybe dislike it a little cause i haven done any proper work 5 days into the job. only because company is giving me time for training which is good but i feel weird not rushing into office first thing in the morning, switch on my pc, check my thousands of emails and clear my inbox, and having my ass glued to the seat till lunch or even for the rest of the day. secondly, i reread my jan post which wasnt too long ago, but i feel like a different person from then already. Then, i was jobless. Zero personal growth unless you count reading marketing and programming books. and thinking up of how to make my dream a reality. Now, i met someone (my trainer and mentor) at work who is intellectual and funny at the same time. just when i had lamented in the previous post that there isn't someone like that around me. who can influence me positively. i think it's just pure luck and fortune that i get to train and know someone like that. someone with a wealth of knowledge that i always feel like i should stand by my notebook and pen whenever he starts to speak. even casually over lunch. i'll be good if i have 1% of his wisdom.

i have many books to read. i will have discipline and digest them one by one.. i swear to make good use of my time, cause i'm trading time for money. more time, less money.

updated at 10:36 PM.

Friday, January 21, 2011

So actually I should be sleeping at this time. but this time also happens to be my most pensive time of the day.

I know I'm like a 'live your passion and not work for money' advocate all the time. But now i really feel the pinch. I've taken on a job that I think would allow me to learn what I want but at a much lesser pay than what I was earning and what I could have earn if i continue on. or changed company in the same field. I have multiple fears that I'm trying to ignore and downplay by reminding myself of the good points. Fears like, what if a few years down the road my achievements on the career ladder is incomparable with my peers. I know I will feel terrible if I know someone my age is earning 4 to 5k on avg when I'm still struggling with an entry level pay. I guess this will happen no matter where I head towards.. Some just becomes more successful and some just gets stuck with slow progression. Now i feel foolish just voicing my fears out. Why compare? Like what bf said, just do what I want and don't worry about money.. Only people who doesn't worry about money and live their dreams get to make it big. and at the most... he will provide for me. ha ha ha. no he did not say that. he said at the most just work harder. ):

I need to believe in myself, and in order to make me believe in myself, I need to motivate myself. Surround myself constantly with positive energy. I'm so hooked on Jason Mraz's blog posts that I'm beginning to feel that he should represent a religion, or a teaching. Following a living person spreading positive vibes to people surrounding him is way more realistic than following teachings and religions handed down by god knows who and from god knows how many centuries ago and hence how reliable is it.

So in 2011, he will be my beacon of light. I will absorb all positive thinkings from him. I will motivate myself so I have reasons to believe that I can make it, someday somehow. Never thought I will say this, but I am thankful for facebook. if not for facebook, i will never have found jason mraz's beautiful writings. and he cracks me up with his shoutouts. AND he's so sweet when he talks about his fiancee. (melts) I think being intellectual and funny at the same time are the 2 qualities in men that I will always adore. Not many around, sadly.

January Report Card:

new phone

new laptop

new vision

new job

new inspirational figure

February and beyond:

Aim to acquire new knowledge,

new website

new skincare/clothes

new presents for loved ones.

I see a good year ahead. (((:

updated at 2:08 AM.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

updated at 8:04 PM.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Feeling rather restless now although it's my bedtime now for the past few days. So I'll do something fun I saw from FB. Here goes.

1) I fret over my complexion ever since I realise no products can get me back my smooth firm complexion before 21. (Top concern)

2) I like to meet new people and make new friends. And stay in touch with people whom I feel good around.

3) I love most kinds of music because I love music. For me, music makes all kinds of emotions beautiful, be it sorrow, anger or happiness.

4) I fulfill a typical trait of virgo - My inner desires are stronger than how I would present myself because it is important for me to not embarrass myself.

5) I have always thought it will be so cool to witness a street party playing Cuban music in South America ever since i watched a movie screened during music lesson in secondary school. 'Molly' Leong was introducing to us cuban music, and i never did find out the name of the movie. In my memory, these parties are wayyy better than sleazy club parties in cities.

6) My brother is my playmate for life. From teddy bears, legos, tamiya cars, digimons, tamagochis, NDS, play stations, Wii, Lan games, board games, chess games, iPhone games and to be continued.

7) I believe that achievements are more important than money in life. They give one a sense of self-worth and a mark on earth that you have lived before. Equal to achievements are relationships fostered in the lifetime.

8) I roll out of bed and fall onto the floor (on my feet of course) before I open my eyes when I wake up unwillingly in the morning.

9) I like to think that I am really good with controlling my own finances. (Note: control, not improve)

10) It's not a secret, I have a soft spot for Spanish guys because they are the definition of sexy with their dark hair and tanned, blushing complexion. Plus the language.

11) I have 'talking' pandas as my children, and I have 5 of them. 2 of which take turns to be 'favourite'.

12) I am sentimental for anything handmade for me. I keep them all.

13) I like watches but I am too practical to develop it as a hobby.

14) I never regret as I would have never known better anyway. I just learn from it and feel sorry if things had not turned out as I would wish them to looking back.

15) I still keep some money in a old school porcelain piggy bank I kept since young, just for emergency purposes and to know 'I am not totally broke'.

16) I haven't had black hair since I got out of college. Because black hair makes me look like a child.

17) I have never been comfortable or good around teachers because they make me feel stupid. (For never being the A student)

18) I think relationships are fragile and I akin it to be like an ecosystem.

19) I sleep in any positions, depending on my state my mind. E.g: If anxious/worried/sad - more likely the foetus position. If contented - lying flat on my back.

20) I have a pair of unequal length legs. This makes the dominant leg slightly bigger, and i always stand on my longer leg when I measure my height. Haha.

Alright, cutting down from 25 to 20. I think they should suffice, can't really think of anything else.

Goodnight!

updated at 2:24 AM.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

updated at 3:41 AM.

Monday, October 11, 2010

i never like to use the word blog. i guess it is a very neutral word in the dictionary. to me, the word was created or started using when i was a teenager. i started blogging in sec 1 or 2. blogging was an outlet for all my emotions. mostly negative. and i am ashamed of them. that's why i never make public my blog all these years. but today i decided that i could walk out of the shadow of my adolescent past. for the past me wouldn't affect who i am today, and anyone shouldn't judge me for who i was in the past. but because i used to blog when i was unhappy or angry, for me the word has a negative emotional connotations to it now. but i realised i will never stop writing. it is not a phase that i go through only when i was young. writing liberates me. writing cements who i am. writing teaches me. writing expands me. and my writings not only reminds me who i am, it also often surprises myself that i can be that person behind the writings. because a person has so many sides to himself, sometimes we forget we can be that way too.

i read my old entries from my private blog, and i really enjoyed what i read. i don't mean to brag in any way, i'm just really happy that i re-realised many things as if my past me is reminding me about some important things again, that i have forgotten after so long. i read that in november last year, i said i would give myself one year in schroders to gain whatever social working experience, then start my business. in this one year, i have forgotten about it, and my decision to stay or not has wavered and flickered back and forth. i'm just glad that i have left and done something that i had in the past resolutes to do. something my past me would approve of. i read of the many rational things i have said about finding a good lifelong partner. they are like fresh new advices given to me again, from my old self. i read, and i'm amazed at how much i love reading my heart-to-heart with myself. i feel like sharing them, but i can't find anyone i would want to share them with. i wrote that, those entries would probably come to light only after i'm not around. in which i HOPE someone would bother to dig around for my blog password and read all my private entries when i'm no longer around, which by that time i wouldn't care anymore. it's ironic. i wouldn't care anymore, but i still care enough to think about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings after i'm not around. hah.

i also wrote that i re-found a group of people that brings me joy in life. just like back when i was in jc. and i really love that feeling. today i went out with fgipians for ktv, and i have never had a dull moment with them. i also wrote that only achievements are tangible through time. only success can be tasted after time passed. it serves to strengthen my belief in my goals.

my bf is like a separate part of my life. like a pie, with a slice cut out from the rest of the pie. they never joined. my life is made up of friends i treasure, my family that i love, my thoughts and feelings. he is separate from all of them. soon i'm going to add my career, hopefully my business to the part of my pie, but he will also not be part of it. he never will.

updated at 3:34 AM.